Life's a struggle

Dear blog,
Do the right things or do the things right instead?
Such a gloomy weather here in Perak for few days already and im in love. Time flies so quick that 2014 is in less than a month. It has been a wonderful year for me yet so many good & bad things happened. Day by day, I woke up and realized that I have to be able to stand up for myself and be strong. This fate that chose me put me in a big struggle but no matter what I have to get through it. Or else I'll just be that loser that easily give up on things. The only thing that matters to me now is to make both of my mum and dad happy and proud of me. Because eventually they are the ones who have always been there for me, to comfort me when im not okay or to help me when i dont even want to live. As Im growing up, Ive realized that I have less time to appreciate them, to show my love. And it makes me sad. Final exam is in two weeks and i can feel that my head is gonna explode anytime. It is getting harder and harder that sometimes I just wanna do nothing and sleep all day. Hoping to keep holding on and get good results, I'll just pray for the best. The fact that im trying my best not to let other things burden my mind and take things easier than before and i hope it works. Maybe its the best for everyone and i will just go with the flow. No hopes and no more expectations, whatever happens I dont want the same shits happen again so it wouldnt be so hard for me to pull myself back up. Stronger than before. 

Have a good day everyone. Smile and let all the pains go away.

A blessing in disguise

Dear blog,
Life is full of surprises. Things that you never know will happen, just happened. Everything has be written by God and we can only live the fate and enjoy it while it lasts. Honestly, he is full of imperfections and I learned to accept all his flaws and that taught me what is the real love is. 

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, cuses you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

- Bob Marley

-

Dear blog,
Months ago, i would never thought that this will happen. And now I think I am the weakest person I've known. This undying urge to settle down things is making my life upside down, been thinking every day and night. I have to learn to accept the fact that this is it, there is nothing I can do about it, hopeless. And I am really tired to mess things over and over again.

& I know that one day, I will be fine. With or without you.

blink of an eye

Dear blog,
Finally I have the guts to write and finally Im letting it go, sincerely.
I still remember the first time we met, the first time we talked and even our first picture. I still remember every moment we spent, still fresh playing in my mind. It was wonderful but things didn't work out as I expected. No reason, this is life and what do we plan don't always happen. I don't have any anger inside me, or feeling hatred towards anyone because I know that Ive already done my best. Maybe it is not meant to be, what do I expect? We were so in love, everyone knows that. So much love in the beginning, but feelings fade and I don't put any blame on anyone. At least we have tried. I have lived without you before and I will learn to live without you again. Maybe if I hold a little longer, you would have change your mind but life is no fairytale. I can't lie that I could find happiness in you and that you really meant something in my life. I love you and that is why I am leaving because I know I cant make you happy and somebody will. Again, it is just another failed relationship.Thought I was ready, but maybe I am not. You will always be in my prayer, wishing you the best. Maybe we are two people who were meant to fall in love, but never meant to be together. From the very bottom of my heart, I love you and Im letting you go.

Ikmal

Darling,

I can be myself when Im with you. Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us. You make me feel like I have never felt before. I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked. Your undying faith is what keeps the flame of our love alive.

You and I together, we can make magic. We're a perfect match.

Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling. Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead. You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going. You are irresistible.

I love you because you bring the best out of me. I love your terrific sense of humor. Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat. You're the one who holds the key to my heart. You always say what I need to hear. You always know how to make me feel better. Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything. You are my theme for a dream. I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you. And, of course, I love your intelligence, because you were smart enough to fall in love with me.

Love always.

Second

Hi,
Happy 2nd month.
I miss you.

Where are you when I needed you?
I wish I care a little less.
Or I wish I don't care at all.

I want to be happy again.
I want to feel loved.

What if things don't get better?
And I actually am losing my feelings.
Tired of feeding your ego.
Scary isn't it.

Not a second you aren't in my mind.
But you?
Do you miss me?
Or do you even think about me?
That's the question that has been running through my mind.

I'm still holding on
Because I know you're worth it
I still believe in you
And I know the moment I said yes to you
2 months ago
There was a reason why
Because I loved you
Still am in love with you
& you are the other part of me.

I will just keep praying
For the best.

Faith

Dear blog,
It hurts that I care too much. It hurts that I hoped you might care a little bit more. Maybe it is my fault of expecting so much from you. Im sorry. Sometimes, Im slowly giving up but when I remembered back what we had, it is not something easy to let go. I really hope that things will work out, but like you said what's meant to be will be right. I crave for your attention. I crave for your love. I crave to hear that you actually miss me, like i am your girl. I am sorry for being so demanded but I tried my best. I don't need you, but I want you. I want you every second and everyday of my life. I want you always that I never get bored. It pathetic to actually think that you dont think about me at all, it is sad to actually think you dont miss me at all. Been worrying about you all the time and Im sorry again. Really do. I cant imagine my day not to think about you, not to care anymore. Bcus I always do. As long as I can keep holding on, I will. I promise. I love you.

Fix me

O please Allah give me strength. 

Stronger than ever

Dear blog,
Even if I had a hundred reasons to leave you, I'd still look for that one reason to fight for you. You are perfect, too perfect for me and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I constantly feel like someones repeatedly stabbing me and a whole has been punched through my chest but when I talk to you, the world gets better because you make me happy and I respect you for that because so many people try and make me feel better and you don't even try to make me better but you do, you make me better without even trying. Stay strong because the truth is life is tough, and sometimes you only learn if you fall and then you become more careful, you stop being naive. You find that people were right when they told you life is no fairytale. Yes, everyone lies, it breaks your heart but that doesn't mean that you should stop taking risks and living your life to the fullest. It means you should be able to stand up for yourself and be brave. Life is a risk of its own and it's your choice whether to make it worth to remember. I miss that feeling when you make it feel right when everything feels so wrong. You definitely have no idea how hard it is to force myself to stop wondering so much, sometimes. But I won't give up, ever. There's no one I'd rather be with than you. I wish you were here right now so I could hug you so tight and never let you go. Maybe I am just missing you. 
"Never leave a girl alone, because she will never say she needs you. When she really does"

PMS sucks.

LOVE

Dear blog,
"Sometimes you just need to be with the person that makes you smile even if it means waiting." And one day, that someone will walk into your life and you realized why it never worked with someone else. I've a lot of boyfriends in my life, I've been in love with many people, but it never felt this way. Never, not once, have I felt the way about him as I felt about the other guys I have been with, and it feels like I can never love someone the same I love him. It's not like I don't think I can find a better guy, in fact, I might even find someone better than him. But the truth is, I don't want that. I want him. I know it's weird but I want the stupid fights, jealousy and all that kind of both cute and angry stuff he used to do and say, I would even want the pain. As long as it's from him, it's alright. Because I love him. And I know, even if I found a guy who's just like him, both personality and looks, I still wouldn't be able to love that guy the way I loved him. I love you just a little too much.

Scared.

Dear blog,
My biggest fear right now is when you wake up the next morning and you don't love me anymore. I know I over-think but I couldn't help myself. I am girl and girls think too much. Is it wrong to imagine my future with you? Because sometimes, I do. I am happy right now, beyond happy. But sometimes I think, what if I lose the happiness? Can I handle that? You gave me everything, all I have ever wanted before and I am so glad I met you. You are like my precious gift and I would never want to lose you, insyaAllah. As long as I can stay, I will. As long as I can care, I will. As long as I can love, I will. You are like one of the kind, like I have never been so attached to someone like this. Every single moment that we spent, will forever stay in my heart. I don't care what people want to say about me because I know that I love you. Just writing that puts a smile on my face. To be honest, you are the reason of my happiness. I love you because of your sweetness and kindness that I couldn't find in someone else. I love you because you are such a lovely companion. You smile at my silly jokes and enjoy my annoying attitude. I love you because I have a longing to be close to you and so do you. I love to be near you. I love holding your hand whenever we are together. I love looking at you while you eat. Or maybe I just love looking at you when you are with me. I love you because you never get tired to hear my story of the day. I love you because you are trying to make me a better person. And I am trying to. I love you because you appreciate me. I love you because my life has been better since the day I found you. And lastly, I love you for who are you. If I could, I would never want to change anything about you. Because you were being yourself at the very first time I fell for you. I love you, sayang. 

Thousand words

Dear blog,
Not a word can describe how happy I am right now that finally he said that he loves me. I longed for it for so long and it definitely worths the wait. I love being around him and it is never boring. Never. You know, when you are comfortable with someone, all you wanna do is being with him. All you wanna do is to see his face, every single fucking day. I can talk to him about anything. Just anything. He is not perfect, but he is perfect to me. And I am so in love with everything about him. His eyes, his lips, his smile. Everything. It feels like Ive known him for years. I know that sounds cliche ha-ha but its true. Being able to say that I love him before I go to sleep, is probably one of the best feeling ever. Because God knows how much he means to me, Ikmal Azree.
"Baby, I know that we will have tough times. Baby, I know that sooner or later, one of us will want to get out. But whatever happens, I will be here. Always be here for you, insyaAllah"

Final exam in few weeks, wish me luck! 

Love letter

Dear blog,
"Before I met you, I never knew what it was like to be able to look at someone and smile for no reason." And now, you are the reason. You came out of nowhere and stole my heart at the very first time I saw you. And ever since that, all I think about before I go to sleep or when I wake up in the morning is you. And everyday, I am looking forward to see you. To see your smile and be able to hold your hands. Every little things that you do is lovely I couldn't tell how much I fall for you even more each day. You are now a part of my happiness. But somehow, something is holding me back not being able to tell you how much I actually love you when its too early. But love? Who can predict love? I really hope that this time, it's real.
Not hoping, but I will pray for the best. For you and me. You know, What is meant to be will be together.Oh do me a favour, please stay.

Broken

Dear blog,

You know whats pathetic? Being there for people when they need you. But they arent there for you when you need a company. Well tonight im crying myself to sleep. My stupid emotions, fuck it. Sometimes I am scared to be happy because I know when I lose it, I'll feel empty. Nothing. So what should I do? Completely clueless. Those nights when you just feel sad and nothing can make you feel better. Im just sad.

& I hate getting attached. Depending on someone. People get tired and bored. I want this to last, oh Allah. 

But i know it will be better tomorrow. I will be fine. Because you know, I am always okay. 

Goodnight.

Help us, Allah

Dear blog,
It is 3pm and I am here in Universiti Teknologi Petronas while writing this. Well, it is kinda fucked up in here with the bad haze around. And it is getting worst everywhere. People are wearing mask here and there while I am here trying my very best to breath. There is no more fresh air. I hope it will get better as soon as possible as I dont want to fall sick. I hope so. I will be having a reading test this evening and wish me luck. I hope I can do it well. 

It is always the wrong timing. To be honest, always. Bad luck Jiha & do pray for me. Mwa

Day 10

I want to be free & happy. Like those butterflies, so full of colours. 

Dear blog,
Rain is falling.. Bliss
Wow! Time flies so fast I didn't even realize that I have been here for 10 days already. And to be honest I am glad to be in UTP as it is something that I can call 'home'. I finally found friends that I can share my stories & be myself when I am here. At least I don't have to pretend to be somebody else. I am me and why do I have to change myself to make others feel better? Bull-fucking-shit. I miss home, I miss my bed. And I miss my family. To be honest, I just miss my friends. Each and everyone of them. Whatever it is, I am going back home this weekend. Yay me! I spotted few cute guys in here lol be jealous they are cute and smart. Such a perfect combination. 

"Ignoring the ones who care, and looking for the ones who ignore you". Why do I have to make my life so complicated? I thought I was ready for commitment, for a relationship with someone, but when it happens I just feel numb. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want. I feel like I need spaces. Maybe I don't like being committed to something, but then how do I want to have a boyfriend? Or maybe I am not ready? Or maybe I still haven't found the right one yet? To be honest I just don't know what I want. Part of me wants to stay but the other part asks me to leave. I don't want to hurt any feelings. I am tired of hurting and getting hurt. Life sucks big time, I wish I know what I have to do. I am so clueless.

God bless me.

Day 3

Dear blog,
It was so tiring. And the weather is super super hot. I am getting better here, meeting new people, new environment and whatever happens, I have to adapt with it. I really hope to find someone that I can actually get close. Lastly, I need a car. 

Day 2

Dear blog,
My first day of classes went well & I met some cool people (thank God). I am beyond happy because my class on Monday starts at 12, how can I not be happy? So, I think it should not be a problem here as I can actually adapt with them. BUT the only thing I hate living in UTP is the hot weather. Plus we have to walk to classes and by the time we reach the classes, we are sweating God knows how. I was hoping that I'll get the car asap, it will be much more easier. I miss my mum and my dad and my home and my family. And my friends. We will be having a carnival tomorrow for Petroleum Geoscience's students so its gonna be so much fun and fun! I hope so. 

Life is unexpected, always. When my heart started to heal, then suddenly came a man out of nowhere and it feels different this time. He cares, he loves and he is just different. There is no hopes given, but I was hoping that this is the time. I need someone that can change me. I want to be a better person. And he is just lovely. 
Me/him : "I like yellow" "I like you" "Well, I think I like you too" "I like you more" "What makes you say that?" "Because you like me" This made my night.

Day 1

Dear blog,
I keep telling myself to stay strong. I keep telling myself that I can do this, because I know I can. It is my first night in Universiti Teknologi Petronas and I am taking Foundation in Petroleum Geoscience. Sounds tough, I know. But this is what I have to go through in my life. This is my fate. My first class is tomorrow and I am nervous like hell god knows. I hope everything would be just fine. The timetable is confusing as fuck. And I really hope I can survive living here. It feels like my first day in SMSS. Same shit but different place. Nervous, confused & scared. Well, this is a new beginning. I have to be more independent and mature. One year.... One year is not that long and yes I can do this. I always have faith in myself. InsyaAllah, wish me luck people.

Eighteen

Dear blog,

Turning 18 in few hours, so excited.

& I have the best teenage life I could ever wish 😘

Clueless

Dear blog,
Boys are so unpredictable. They are full of things, unexpected things to be exact.
I just don't know how to play this game anymore. So clueless about this.
Don't fucking get attached to anyone, just don't.
But I can't help this feelings. How do I undo this feelings? Its impossible.
I hope I can read his mind. I hope I know if he wants to continue.
Or to stop. Don't leave me hanging, questioning about you. Fuck off!
Actually I am writing this because I don't have a punching bag at home.
When do actually things get right? When?
Everything seems wrong. All the fucking time & I am tired. 
When am I going to finally meet someone that actually cares about my feelings?
Been single for a year. To be honest, I never really had a real boyfriend.
I mean I never had a real boyfriend that treats me like a real girlfriend.
I never fell deeply in love, if you know what I mean.
It's like, no first love? Ever.
Fuck off! Hahahahahahaha life please get better, I am tired.
I just miss my long hair. Chow

Faith

Dear blog,
My heart told me to keep the faith.
I have been holding on too long to give up now.
It doesn't matter if he's with me or not.
I am happy just to see him, oh my god what kind of diseases are this?
I just love him. So much that I don't care anymore if I get hurt.

Move on

Dear blog,
I think I'm ready to move on. I think I should move on. I can't wait for him anymore. It has been too long.. And I am tired. Too tired to be true. Yeah, maybe we are meant to be just friend. 

She's broken, he's okay

Dear blog,
I want to travel all around the world. I want to explore the beauty of other places. Maybe something like "Eat, Pray & Love"? I want to go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower. I want to go to Venice and ride the Gandola with my sweetheart. I want to go to Las Vegas and party like there is tomorrow. I am too young to think about the reality. I live to dream and yes, I dream a lot. I just want to have fun and without having to bother what others think about me. I wish life is that easy.

I feel so insecure with everything. How come she can be so perfect without her make-up? How come she can get such a handsome & loyal boyfriend? How come she can live in such a luxury place? How come everyone does love her? How come she can be so perfect? Life is so unfair sometimes. I wish I am better person but I guess, I'm getting worst. I keep making mistakes that I know I shouldn't. I feel so pathetic and empty. You know that feeling when you have everything to be happy about, but when you think of that one moment....you can never smile again.

"I thought I am over you,but you are still the first person that comes to my mind when I wake up"

A girl's heart

Dear blog,
Nobody knows the real me.
Nobody knows how many time I cried alone in my room when nobody was watching.
Nobody knows how many times I lost hope.
Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad.
How terrible they truly are.
Nobody knows.

I just want to love and to be loved.
I know deep inside that The Perfect Man is exist.
I just have to be strong.
And keep my faith.
Or maybe I don't need it to perfect.
Or maybe I just need a lover.
Someone that actually loves me.
Someone that actually cares about me.
Someone that is afraid of losing me.

I am tired of being sad.
I am tired of being lonely.
I am tired of feeling useless.
I am tired of being tired.

Reality

I fell in love with you,

I dont know how,

I dont know why,

I just did.

I am sorry I am not who you wanted.

But I will love you till the end of time.

It just hurts so much.

Unexpected

Dear blog,
All I could think about is him.
It becomes an addiction to me.
And to be honest, it sucks.
Because I don't know what it might me.
I hope there is a way.
And I wish I know how.

I am a failure.
& I feel sorry for myself.

Hurt

Dear blog,
It is just fucking hurt man.
Fucking hurt, I swear.
Fall for the one you know you shouldn't.
Ignore the one that cares.
Fucking messed up life.

Changed

Dear blog,
Tonight, I feel like writing.
To express my feelings, because I have no one to share with.
Such a loner. Yes I am.
Well, practically I chose to be like this.
Keep hoping for something better.

I am listening to When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars.
While writing this crap, the pieces from my heart.
God knows, this is such a beautiful song. Really.

I don't really like changes.
But to be honest, I am just bored.
Bored and sick.
With everything that comes up.
All the same fucking things, every time.
I am tired.
Crying doesn't help any more.
The loneliness.
The empty feeling will never leave.
There is just like a big hole inside me.
And I really don't know how to fill that hole.
It is always empty. Always.
I wish somebody would help me.
Fix me. 
I want to be happy again.
I want to throw away this loneliness.

Maybe this is the real time to change.
To find the weaknesses of myself.
God is fair enough.

" You'll not always happy, so enjoy while it lasts. You'll not always sad either, so just get through it. It'll be fine "

Nobody knows

Dear blog,
Have you ever felt so lonely that you just burst into tears?
Have you ever missed someone you could not tell him and you just cried?
Well.....it was last night.
I was alone in my room, and crying.
Crying so hard, only God knows.

2013

Dear blog,
It is 2013. 
Time flies so fast and now I am an eighteen year old girl.
Finally....Hehehe
I hope what happened in 2012 stays in 2012.
But I'll keep all the good memories.
People that I met, that I fell, that I loved and that I hated,
will remain in my memories.
2012 was such a great year. 
And I ended 2012 with a beautiful memory to be kept.
I was so happy at that time, no words can describe how happy was I.
It was a night to remember. 

2012.....
Graduated from Science Selangor.
Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia.
Senior CBNVI Prom Night ( The best night ever )
Christmas's Eve.
So much to remember.

Well hoping for more happiness and success in 2013,
insyaAllah.