My last post was two years ago and today, I just feel like writing. I just feel like expressing what has been in my mind for these past few days. Between these two years, so many things have happened that changed me to who I am today. I look at the world differently now. I have met different kind of people and it changed the way I think and accept things. I can say that I am a better person than before but still working on myself.
I can finally love again. I got through the worst phase in my life, and here I am. I found him. A better love.
I've been with him for over a year now. But when things start to get serious, when they start to feel permanent, I leave the man I am with. This time its pretty much perfect. Kind, considerate, loving, affectionate and loves me more than anyone. So in love with me, that it scares me. How can he get so invested? He says he wants to build life with me, to live till the end of time. But the thought scares me. I wanted to build my life around a place, a job, a career. I want to go travel and do all the things I wish for. Once all that was settled, I figured I would meet someone and fall in love and maybe even settle down. But love happened first. He happened first. And now I am unsure whether to keep it. Unsure because the longer I am with him, the more in love he is with me. And all the while I'm not sure if I'll be here. Maybe I'll travel or maybe I'll take a job far far away from home. I am afraid because he is blamesless, I have started picking little fights, secretly hoping to send him over the edge and force to break up, because I'm too cowardly to be the bad guy. But it seems like I can't push him away like others, he sees through it, and holds tight. It fills me with happiness and breaks my heart at the same time. I just want to put it out there that it's not that I feel I don't deserve to be loved. I'm just not sure if this is the time or place to be in so deep. I'm afraid how madly and selflessly he loves me. It's frightening, but thrilling. But how can you love too much?
I am sorry for the hurt. I do not want to patronize you and keep telling you that I want you to be happy. I had held onto you long enough to make you love a girl like me. I needed you. I loved you because you let me hang onto you so you could change course. Somehow fate allowed us to touch, and when they did I wouldn't let it go. You loved me, even though we fought over petty things. We had so much passion, despite that everything either of us said, became opposition to what both of us truly felt.
I'm sorry. If I could choose, I would choose you all over again. You know that, everyone knows that.
There are two kinds of men you'll meet. The first will give you the life you want and the second will give you the love you desire. If you're one of the lucky few, you will find both in the one person. But if you ever find yourself having to choose between these two, then always choose love.