22.

Dear blog,

My last post was two years ago and today, I just feel like writing. I just feel like expressing what has been in my mind for these past few days. Between these two years, so many things have happened that changed me to who I am today. I look at the world differently now. I have met different kind of people and it changed the way I think and accept things. I can say that I am a better person than before but still working on myself.

I can finally love again. I got through the worst phase in my life, and here I am. I found him. A better love. 

I've been with him for over a year now. But when things start to get serious, when they start to feel permanent, I leave the man I am with. This time its pretty much perfect. Kind, considerate, loving, affectionate and loves me more than anyone. So in love with me, that it scares me. How can he get so invested? He says he wants to build life with me, to live till the end of time. But the thought scares me. I wanted to build my life around a place, a job, a career. I want to go travel and do all the things I wish for. Once all that was settled, I figured I would meet someone and fall in love and maybe even settle down. But love happened first. He happened first. And now I am unsure whether to keep it. Unsure because the longer I am with him, the more in love he is with me. And all the while I'm not sure if I'll be here. Maybe I'll travel or maybe I'll take a job far far away from home. I am afraid because he is blamesless, I have started picking little fights, secretly hoping to send him over the edge and force to break up, because I'm too cowardly to be the bad guy. But it seems like I can't push him away like others, he sees through it, and holds tight. It fills me with happiness and breaks my heart at the same time.  I just want to put it out there that it's not that I feel I don't deserve to be loved. I'm just not sure if this is the time or place to be in so deep. I'm afraid how madly and selflessly he loves me. It's frightening, but thrilling. But how can you love too much?

I am sorry for the hurt. I do not want to patronize you and keep telling you that I want you to be happy. I had held onto you long enough to make you love a girl like me. I needed you. I loved you because you let me hang onto you so you could change course. Somehow fate allowed us to touch, and when they did I wouldn't let it go. You loved me, even though we fought over petty things. We had so much passion, despite that everything either of us said, became opposition to what both of us truly felt.

I'm sorry. If I could choose, I would choose you all over again. You know that, everyone knows that. 

There are two kinds of men you'll meet. The first will give you the life you want and the second will give you the love you desire. If you're one of the lucky few, you will find both in the one person. But if you ever find yourself having to choose between these two, then always choose love. 

End of 2015

Dear blog, 

You know I said I've been in love before. I have boyfriends that I told I loved them. But I never really knew what love is until I met Ikmal. I have never loved someone as much as I loved him, nor I have ever been so loved by a single person. We started dating on my first year in college until end of last year. And in those couple of years, I have never been more happy, loved and safe in my entire life. He taught me what it truly meant to love someone and how to be loved. Everyone knew when there was me, there would be him wherever it was. And we had that stupid love that you see on twitter and instagram. We had more love than most people feel in a lifetime. And I hope everyone gets to experience the kind of love I was able to have with him. Everyone deserves to feel that in their life. But as all wonderful things do, it came to an end. We started to see different things. We fought and argued and it just got the point where we were not happy anymore. But that didn't mean we still didn't love one another nor hating each other. We fought so hard and so long for the love we had, but in the end we both did what we knew was best for us. Ending things with him probably the hardest things I have ever had to do. I created so many wonderful memories with him and I can't thank him enough for the impact he put on my life. It has been over a year now. I still love him unconditionally and he will forever hold a special space in my heart. We still talk here and there but I wish nothing but the best for him. I miss the love and happiness that we shared and I do hope to find that again, one day. 

Home

Dear blog,
He is home, but not my home anymore. When things were bad for me, he made me feel better without even trying. I know we haven't seen each other for quite a while now, even though we are going separate ways now, I want you to know that I miss you. Not that I regret of what happened or wanna see you again, I just miss you. 
Just, I miss you.
It's so strange to think that I knew someone so well that now is a total stranger to me. That sometimes I go entire day without thinking about you, most of the time I let myself forget because it is easier that way, but then I find something, a photo, a song or my stupid notes and the thought of what is gone crashing down on me, all over again. Sometimes you came into my dream, I didn't even remember what happened in it but I woke up with tears and that is probably the worst feeling ever.
Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you but all of those feelings become empty thoughts. Remembering back of what happened, love is not as what it seems, makes me easier to forget. But this isn't regret, we had our reason of ending it, and it was as valid as ever, but back at the start we didn't choose who fall in love with. I didn't even need a reason to fall in love with you, I just did. 
The reasons came at the end. Everything sense comes with reasons and that's good, that one day I will find someone I dont have to say goodbye to. But a part of me just misses loving someone and getting loved back. That's all.
What I was trying to say is, I hope things are good with you. I hope things are great. I hope you'll achieve your dreams. I hope one day you'll find a love that ours couldn't be. But just a small part of me hopes that you still remember everything before all the reasons.
A friend of mine told me, you said you have given up when you actually never did. But one day, when everything comes to your sense, you don't even realize that you already give up. Time heals everything. No regrets, just lesson learned. When this happened, it made me a whole new different person. Ive changed the way I think and the way I accept things. For good. 

9 wonderful months.

Dear blog,
I could never be more happier and grateful than this.
They say, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours forever". When I think of it, I realize that the fact is true. We once broke up then he came back and never left anymore. He is just incredibly an amazing person anyone could wish for. Never thought that a simple crush could turn into such a great love. Never imagined before that we could last this long. Im really glad that we met and thankful to you for not giving up on me. 

Sayang, 
I wish you will be the love of my life. There has never been anyone as special as you.I want to hold you (forever), worship you and make you happy each and every day. I still remember the way you made me feel on our first met and I love you even more since then. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me. 

I love you, I just do.
Because now in the deepest of my heart,
A place where there was empty before,
There is love.

Happy 9 months sayang, more to go. InsyaAllah.

All of me

Cus all of me loves all of you,
Loves all our curves and all of your edges,
All you perfect imperfections.

Give your all to me i give my all to you,
Youre my end and my beginning,
Even when im lose im winning.

Dear blog,
Everything I did was just to please some people but I guess that I tried too hard, it seem didn't work out for me. I constantly feel like I'll never be good enough for anybody and to be honest, it is a shitty feeling. They told me not to think too much, but I always end up letting the emotions to take over control. I over-think, like a lot and it has become a disease somehow. Being upset or depressed is a good feeling. I start appreciating things and people around me and I start looking for myself again. We can pretend to be someone else, but when it comes to love, real love especially, it is better to just be yourself. Have you ever been so in love that nothing else matters to you anymore. I know it sounds like the most stupidest thing in the world ever, but if you are in my place you will know what I was saying. When I thought about it, people might think that seven months are short period of time, but to be the person in the situation, it feels so long. Like forever you have been with him. It is like you are focused on a person and all you could think of every single day is that one person. You wake up every morning and look forward to meet him, like every single fucking day. Sounds crazy. He is my happiness and also my sadness. The only person that can make me feel so many kind of emotions, the one that can drive me nuts. Sigh. Whats weird is when I still have those butterflies in me whenever I see him sometimes even if we always see each other. I dont wanna make it sound like Im desperately loving too hard, but I just do. For the first time ever. You know its love when all you want to do is spend time with the other person and you sort of know that he/she feels the same way.  I miss you.

Something is definitely wrong somewhere. Like I studied so hard for the test, but still in the end, I'll be so disappointed with the results. Every time. There will be stupid mistakes everywhere like God knows how stupid can I be. I feel like I dont belong in this place, maybe it is too much for me. Maybe this place is out of my league. I just don't know. Since I got here, theres still nothing that I can be proud of. Absolutely no achievement. Giving up with it. I feel so lost in my own world. Maybe I should just disappear..